The Ghanaian Man… (Hilarious!!)

The Ashanti Man
In Ghana, he will tell you the name of his village, which is some miles away from Kumasi. Outside Ghana, ask him about his hometown in Ghana and he will tell you he is from Kumasi and probably knows everyone that lives in Ashanti New Town. His house in Kumasi is near the house of one of Asantehene’s sub ? chiefs.

If he is in his sixties, he is likely to have attended Adisadel College, St. Augustine’s or Achimota. The generation after that went to either Prempeh College or Opoku Ware. If he could not get into OWASS and Prempeh, he would settle for Ahmadiya Kumasi Academy, Konongo Odumasi, or Osei Kyeretwie. The Ashanti man likes the schools in Ashanti. UST before Legon (except Medicine and Law). Cape Coast? Unless he did attend secondary school but went to training college.

There are things Ashanti man does not do. He does not swim, does not like wedding and the wife does not care not having one and won’t call his kids by non ? Ashanti names. He does not cook or wash; the wife does both. The things he does: have about a dozen funeral cloths, goes to funeral every weekend, build or aspire to build his own house if he can afford or uncle does not have any to inherit. Even the educated ones are likely to have a farm somewhere: a cocoa farm, cassava farm or citrus plantation. He takes care of his parents, sister’s children and the extended family. Ashanti man believes in litigation. Don’t cross his path, he will take you to court. He will spend his last cedi on chieftancy matters. His identity is linked to a stool in his family and he does not hesitate to tell you about it.

His political affiliation? A relative likely spent some time in Nkrumah’s Nsawam detention. His family supported National Liberation Movement and United Party. He later joined Progress Party, did not likeKutu Acheampong, supported Victor Owusu’s PFP. Detested PNDC and NDC and yes, is very happy NPP is in power. If he does not call President Kufuor uncle, he seems to know someone that grew up with the President.

He supports Asante Kotoko and hates Hearts of Oaks. He’s even against Hearts when Hearts plays a foreign team. He does not care if Cornerstones move out of the region. He refuses to eat fufu when Kotoko loses. Kotoko means more to him than the national team. Mfum, Osei Kofi, Razak, Opoku Afriyie, and Opoku Nti are his soccer heroes. He does not care about anyone that did not play for Kotoko.

The Ashanti man who did not continue his education past secondary school has lived in Germany, Holland, Belgium, France, the US or Canada. He goes to Ghana to visit very often. He tells you how many houses he has built since he left Ghana; he visits “Atwumunumo” ? a popular hangout for fufu and bush meat. He even brings some bush meat back from Ghana to make soup in his Bronx apartment and the soup smells all over the place. In the big cities in Europe and USA, he goes to funerals in his cloth no matter how it is. He is very proud of his culture.

The Ga Man
He was christened Nii Ayi Aryee Aryeetey – no name can be more ultra Ga than that.

Your Ga man, from the standpoint of history falls into one of three categories – those who belong to the sea (James Town, Bukom, Teshie and Chorkor), those who belong to the sand (Nungua, Labadi, Accra City itself), and those who are lost and about (Adangbes, Hausas, Yorubas, Sierra Leoninans etc., born and bred in Accra).

If you are yourself a lady prone to picking quarrels, never fear, for in the Ga man you have found your lifelong bodyguard. At first sight, he tends to be somewhat gentle – that is, until provoked of course. Of all the men in other Ghanaian tribes, the Ga man is the most fearless – moreso after his balls of kenkey and red pepper. But tread softly. Because of their horrible sense of humour, every joke on him is a personal affront to his manhood. And since he applies the same code of honour to women and men, please for heaven`s sake, if he says.. “Ma yi bo eei” (I will beat you), don`t stand to challenge him, thinking it as empty threat. Woman, wife, lover, fiancee, he will turn you into a punching bag! But that is the core of the Ga man.

The icing on the cake is the educated Ga man. He is of a breed you can always count on. For even though he is capable of chewing his sponge to the airport to meet his cousins on the early morning Ghana Airways flight from London, he has gone to Achimota School and speaks the English language well. If he is from James Town (British Accra) and has a surname like Bannerman, Reindorf or Bruce, he has extremely good taste and mannerisms and is worth the ride. That is until a taxi driver crosses him at Bukom junction. Then his spirit of sexual frankness comes out. Expletives of descriptions of the various parts your relatives spew forth in a torrent from his well-trimmed moustache. These insults, too private to mention here, invariably begin with “Onyaeeeeeee………………….”

If Nii Ayi has any ambition, it is suppressed, perhaps for fear of failure. His faith is in the white collar job, where he fights with Fanti man over posts in the civil service. But the Ga man hardly ever gets to the top, because he will surely forgo his transfer related promotion to stay put in Accra – you see, he has the firmest intransplantable roots in Accra and for him Accra is the only place to be.

If you are a young ambitious lady who wants her man to get everything, forget it. Even though they can (with a little training!) make the most docile and obedient companions, his lack of drive will drag you down. But if you are a bit on the lazy, labour-saving side in the kitchen, rush for a Ga man. Not for him the elaborate three course meals – he is more than satisfied with kenkey and kenkey and kenkey, fish and pepper (N.B just vary slightly with sardines, tilapia, corned beef, etc.)

Ah! One problem though, he is already married to his grandfather`s family house! So if Mr. Aryeetey has already started talking about matrimony, ask him where you are going to live after the wedding!

The Brong Man
BA is said to stand for either “bankye akesie” or “brodie akesie” and the eating habits of the Brong man show his belief in the name.

As a kid, school is reserved for his spare time. There are more important things to do like trapping game in the bush or working on his father’s cocoa farm. It must be said though that the Brong man that goes to school tends to go all the way and comes out tops, no half measures. It is understandable if school is not a priority because the prevalent means to wealth in the Brong society has nothing to do with school.

Firstly, there is the big farm belonging to Egya, Bla, Wofa, etc. and then there is Gyaaman. Big bro has been there and back. He wears clothing combinations that in most communities would be reserved for the circus. Not so among his people; he’s revered by his people for his excellent taste in shadda – bright colours with red as a favourite dominate his trousers. Bright yellow, black and green dominate his shirts. Needless to say, all baggy.

In relationships, Brong men are direct, to the point! He lets his lady know exactly what he wants and so you ladies that set store by a bit of romance, you are forewarned. You better speak Twi to him because it’s only with a bit of imagination that his English is decipherable. And you, his lady, are required to speak, read and write English because he will get letters from his sons, nephews and nieces in Gyaaman, to which he has to reply. You can do no wrong if you can produce mountainous-sized fufu with the setting of the sun and as frequently as the sun sets.

A lady who is ambitious for her children is well advised to stay away from the Brong man. He sees no reason why his children can not follow his path through life but he is a proud father indeed if his children somehow manage to be educated and achieve prominence and he lets no one forget his extraordinary efforts.

The Fanti Man
By no fault of his own, the regular Fanti Man has been born with a pre-independence White Man’s name hanging over his head. Some of them love to pretend it’s a burden, (though they love it!) and redeem their nativeness with indigenous first names. Paapa, Fiifi, Yoofi and Kojo are all time favourites. Kweku, Kwesi and other weekday names are also favored.

Kwamena Smith, or Yoofi Van Dyck are examples of such a curious combination. Your potential Fanti Man is pompous and self-opinionated and believes that the biggest offense committed against him is ‘accusing’ him of belonging to another tribe. His answer to a question like “Are you from X town?” invariably is “Of course not! I am Fanti, a Fanti from Dutch Komenda!”

Seeking education, meaning higher education, to the Fanti man is as natural as seeking rain after a long drought. In the days of the ‘Matric’ Exam, they were the Greek and Latin Scholars – leave the Sciences (physics, maths, add. Maths) to others, theirs was the Humanities. Even the Post-Matric Fanti man of the 2000’s still believes that nothing is as good as a University Degree, any degree from Legon or Tech will do – Cape Vars is out. While on Campus, they still behave like they used to in Adisco and Augustines. In nobody else is the old boy feeling deeper than in the Fanti man. This is one of their fewer good points, for they are very loyal to old friends (even when they are down).

This ‘old boy’ streak is carried into the Civil Service, which is the Fanti Man’s mainstay and Principal Secretary in a Ministry or General Manager in a private firm is his ultimate ambition. They are very rarely businessmen and even so their business achievements are commonplace and mediocre. If you’re a lady who believes in wealth and all its trappings, steer clear of the Fanti man because so long as government bungalows exists, the Fanti man will not build a house. When they get around to build a house, like their business acumen, their houses are uninspiring.

Your average Fanti man is stingy, and mean with chop money, even though he enjoys his food. If after reading this article ladies, your heart is still set to get your Fanti man rush into the kitchen and start frying. Fry anything, he’ll love it, as long as it is fried! As the Fanti proverb goes “a Fanti man builds his mansion in his stomach.”

In relationships they are dictators and act like domineering feudal lords. They tend to colonise their women. In appearance, speech and taste, no detail on his woman escapes his attention. Stubborn and authoritative, the Fanti man can be cruel if you so much as change your hairstyle without consulting him. On the plus side, he has a terrific sense of humor and is incredibly cheerful, though he can be petty, quarrelsome and can really sulk.

To know if you are the perfect match for the Fanti man,

1. Did you go to Wesley Girls High School? (Upper Six mind you!)
2. Can you cook very well (and bake pies?)
3. Are you Fanti yourself or at least a Ga lady from British Accra (Chokor is out!)
4. Do you wear hats and gloves to weddings (and enjoy it?)
5. Are you ready for picnics, packed lunches and sandwiches(for afternoon tea?)
6. Can you pretend to be his slave (forever?).

If you couldn’t tick any of the above, please don’t waste the Fanti man’s time, or yours. On the other hand if you do have one in mind, please act accordingly and as they say, book early to avoid disappointment and Good Luck!

The Kwawu Man
THE Kwahu Man has been born with an identity crisis, history links him to the Asante Kingdom and colonization to a region he shares very little with its inhabitants beyond language. Their naming conventions donot help in this since Antwi, Owusu etc.. are so generic as to bestow any sense of uniqueness to anyone. Your potential Kwahu Man will always want a price comparison even when it comes to drugs for the common cold. He wears this tag as a badge of honor and pride. The biggest offense committed against him is to make superfluous purchases like pounds of beef when you could have substituted a pound with eggs. Left overs for the children are encouraged and promoted.

Seeking education, meaning higher education, to the Kw! ahu man is of modern day reality, he can afford the crowd. He does not see any value in Western education beyond seeing it as an insurance policy. He acquires his love for Kantamanto and a store somewhere in Accra is almost a sacred and primodial right. In every facet of the Ghanaian society they are seen as the least threatening amongst the eccentric and ubiquitous.

The Kwahu man has a covert disdain for public service since revenues from this business is not enough, involve him in the thankless and hopeless investment ventures, like building a huge 20 bedroom empty house is also by far the least ambitious when it comes to measuring men on prestigious appointment in government. He sells second hand tyres at Kokompe than take an ambassadorial job.

If you’re a lady who believes in wealth and all its trappings this maybe a risk worth taking, girls of the 90’s need to know that Wiafe is still an old fashioned polygamist at heart, struggling to accept the romantic 1960’s let alone make a pass century. His usual line is “I give you everything why are you complaining?” he just does not get it. If you think this price is too much, then enjoy your marriage through the happiness of your children, this is heaven on earth.

Your average Kwahuman is notoriously stingy, not because he cannot afford anything but he simply sees being at home as an ideological crusade, he abhors fancy eating habits. The purchase of a Mercedes and the building of mansions is like puberty to them and if you have eat but soup 3times a day to accomplish this, thy will be done in Kwaland.

If after reading this article ladies, your heart is still set to get your pseudo ? Ashanti man, less flamboyant and subdued just get your “Dumas” ready and be prepared for a gondola ride in a car to Kwahu mountains. To the Kwahu man Christmas is for the consumers. It helps if you have a Kwahu girlfriend accompanying you because they ! are still the most nepotic and inward looking amongst all the Akans, your girlfriend’s recommendation will be golden. In relationships they are impressionable and act like they have no strong opinions. But will certainly be commissioning a salon appointment and keeping the money, taste, style and such ladylike niceties on her woman escape attention. He has no time for compliments and has no regards for your level of education. He will easily leave her wife for a standard 7 without any regrets, it is that bad. To him the glory is in the houses, the power is in the store if every penny is saved. Amen.

On the plus side, there is a modicum of financial security, and an investment for your children but beyond attending an occasional large donation to the Anglican Church, he is clueless to any other form of entertainment. Take and do not tell me, I did not tell you the heartbreak hotel is fully booked.

Source: http://www.ghanaweb.com